I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
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