I could make wine with my vomit
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Randomize
