It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
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