went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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