dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Randomize
