he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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