Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
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I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
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I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
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