when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
Randomize
