Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
Randomize
