i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
