Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Randomize
