Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Randomize
