I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
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