Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
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