I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
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