I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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