i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
Also, beer. Big fan.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
