At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
