i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
Randomize
