my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
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