for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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