You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
Randomize
