I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Randomize
