rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Randomize
