soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
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