i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
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