So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
I'm getting married
To pizza
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
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