I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
