im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Randomize
