i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Randomize
