I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
Did I show you my penis last night?
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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