I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I tried watching the view, i got through 8 minutes. That is probably a world record.
They always sound like a bunch of chickens.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Randomize
