he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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