The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
So not only did team sweden fail to particpate in any drinking game but i also found puke in my viking helmet this morning.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
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