Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
Randomize
