No awkward lesbian experiences without me
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
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