I cannot find my penis.
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
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Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
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I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
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