just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
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