here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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