I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
