I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
Randomize
