We're facebook friends in real life
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Randomize
