If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
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