the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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