I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
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