Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Randomize
