Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Randomize
