haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
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