I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
I'd just like to inform you. That when I was at bvj the first day I was blackout drunk by noon. Get on past Chelsea's level like now. Do it for present Chelsea
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Randomize
