just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
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I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
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Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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