How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
Randomize
