Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
