Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
it was a shit show
We all have our days. But yours might be on the internet.
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
Randomize
