You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Randomize
