He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Randomize
