Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
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I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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