In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
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