Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
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