It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
