I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
Randomize
