Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
Contrary to popular belief, while 19 is an attractive age, it does not equate to sexual prowess.
If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
