I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
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