God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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