8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
Randomize
